Jokes

Quote from: Jack1704 on September 06, 2009, 01:30:18 PM

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

Well tell the story right then.    Or did he become British after the war?  Then I guess it might make sense. 

Limited British forces were also present on Juno.

Quote from: Proleg on September 06, 2009, 01:48:59 PM

Limited British forces were also present on Juno.

Hmm...I'm not sure about that.  The brits were on Gold and Sword if I'm not mistaken.  I do know they met up with the Canadians at the end of the day though.

So three guys walk into a bar. One of them is a member of a social minority, one is a member of a racial minority. Hilarity ensues.

Q: How many buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not very zen of you.

The results of the much less publicised 'Pavlov's cats' experiment

Day One: Rang bell, cat fucked off. (Oh dear)
Day Two: Rang bell, cat went and answered door.
Day Three: Rang bell, cat said he had eaten earlier. (cheeky bugger)
Day Four: Went to ring bell, but cat had stolen batteries.
Final Day, Day Five: Went and rang bell with new batteries, but cat put his paw on bell so it only made a thunk noise. Then cat rang his own bell.
I ate food.

A guide to the British Press:

The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country;

The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country;

The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country;

The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country;

The Financial Times is read by people who own the country;

The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country;

And The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.

Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits.

In a similar vein:


The Times: The craftsmanship on these earthenware water carriers is stunning. The elegant handles connect smoothly with the body to create a thoroughly aesthetically pleasing piece of pottery.


The Sun: Nice Jugs!

Here's one my stats lecturer put up on the course website:

A mathematician, a statistician, and an engineer are asked to test the following hypothesis: All odd numbers greater than one are prime. The mathematician: "Three is a prime, five is a prime, seven is a prime, but nine is not a prime. Therefore, the hypothesis is false." The statistician: "Three is a prime, five is a prime, seven is a prime, nine is not a prime, eleven is a prime, and thirteen is a prime. Hence, five out of six experiments support the hypothesis. There is some evidence that it is true." The engineer: "Three is a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine's a prime..."

My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can.

So I've killed his mum.

Quote from: Jack1704 on September 08, 2009, 11:22:20 AM

My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can.

So I've killed his mum.

I'm not sure where the joke in that is...

Quote from: W on September 08, 2009, 11:49:58 AM

Quote from: Jack1704 on September 08, 2009, 11:22:20 AM

My best mate is entering the X-Factor this year and I wanted to give him all the help and support I can.

So I've killed his mum.

I'm not sure where the joke in that is...

In the UK version of X factor, no matter how you sing, if your mom has died you get through.

Hang on, your pulling me up and some joke are about engineers and mathematicians!

Quote from: Robosteve on September 08, 2009, 08:27:52 AM

Here's one my stats lecturer put up on the course website:

A mathematician, a statistician, and an engineer are asked to test the following hypothesis: All odd numbers greater than one are prime. The mathematician: "Three is a prime, five is a prime, seven is a prime, but nine is not a prime. Therefore, the hypothesis is false." The statistician: "Three is a prime, five is a prime, seven is a prime, nine is not a prime, eleven is a prime, and thirteen is a prime. Hence, five out of six experiments support the hypothesis. There is some evidence that it is true." The engineer: "Three is a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine's a prime..."

I have two complaints about this. Firstly, it's not even that funny. Secondly, why would an engineer fail maths?

In austrailia they don't build anything so engineers don't learn math.

That is disgusting. Whoever worked on that bridge should jump off of it. Chest first.