I'm stealing a few because I am an unoriginal bastard:
An infinite crowd of mathematicians enters a bar.
The first one orders a pint, the second one a half pint, the third one a quarter pint...
"I understand", says the bartender - and pours two pints.
A Physicist, a Biologist, and a Mathematician see two people enter a house, and then after some time, they see three people leave the house. The Physicist concludes, "My initial observation must have been incorrect." The Biologist concludes, "Clearly, the two reproduced..." The Mathematician concludes, "Well, if one more person enters the house, then there will be no-one in the house!"
Three surgeons were sitting around talking and the first one says:
"The easiest people in the world to do surgery on is the Germans; you open them up and everything is in its proper place, at its proper size and everything is aligned precisely."
The second surgeon interrupted and said: "The easiest people to do surgery on is the Japanese; you open them up and everything is color coded."
The last surgeon said: "You guys got it all wrong. The easiest people to do surgery on are the lawyers. They only have two moving parts, a mouth and an asshole, and they're interchangeable."
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc... While this is going on, lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?", to which lawyer number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great,"said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple. "COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"