True story. Last weekend, my wife decided to go hit up the local Walmart for supplies. Not to hoard anything, but just to get prepared for staying home for a couple weeks. We had precisely 2 rolls of toilet paper in reserve, in addition to the 2 in-use rolls that had already been distributed to their place of need. So she intended to grab a pack. But, plot twist, they were out! So she asked one of the workers when they would have a fresh delivery coming in, and they told her they were getting a truck that day and at noon they were scheduled to be restocking the aisle with the TP, paper towels, and napkins. The only issue? She had to go to work after leaving there and wouldn't be done work until 1:30pm. Obviously, the stockpile would be depleted in far less time than her schedule would allow for. Enter boydster. I was tasked with arriving at Walmart slightly before noon on this fine Saturday. Perfect. Because unknowingly, Mrs. boydster had purchased 2 gallons of water that happened to be distilled instead of normal water that regular people drink - I had an opportunity to get regular water while waiting for the secret delivery.
So Mission: Get Water That Doesn't Suck was on. I roamed the aisles and made it to the sacred place. Except... they had truckloads of distilled water and no regular water. I should add, where I live, we very recently had a PFOA scare so there is good reason to buy bottled water. Naturally, I did the next most sane thing - I grabbed a few 12 packs of seltzer water. It's clean, I like the bubbles, all is well as far as I'm concerned. And then... then I see it. The Holy Grail of Aqua Excellence. The Primo water filling station has a single, shrink-wrapped 2 gallon jug. I tore off the plastic, filled that jug to the brim, tossed it into my cart, and proceeded to make my way back to the place I was originally tasked with seeking out.
There was already a line. I shit you not. When I got there, I said to one of the people, "I assume we're all acting on the same intelligence, huh?" And the lady that got there first chimed in pretty loudly saying she heard they were stocking the aisle at noon and she was their first. The next 4 people in line all announced their position. So I was sixth. With 15 minutes to wait. And the line kept growing.
Think about that for a second. I, 6th in line, with an entire 15 minutes that felt like an eternity to wait, was standing in line at Walmart with people claiming their position to have dibs on toilet paper that wasn't even their yet. Wait. First you have to understand. I hate being out in crowded places. I hate dealing with people in public places to begin with. A crowded Walmart? Fuck that. A crowded Walmart with people experiencing Cabbage Patch Kid Christmas Rage kind of craziness? FUCK A WHOLE BUNCH OF THAT SHIT. But I was there to provide for my family and to be a good husband.
The end of the story isn't very climactic. The people showed up to stock the aisle. They told everyone to back off and wait until they were done otherwise it would take longer. Then the floor manager showed up and started lobbing packages of paper goods through to air to whoever was ready to catch it. I ended up with TP, paper towels, and a jug with 2 gallons of delicious Primo water that day. It was a success. But it was the sort of apocalyptic scene I imagined from time to time and always thought was too ridiculous to ever play out, and there I was, participating in it.