BREAKING NEWS LIVE FROM THE BBC!
Local man overturns 3,000 years of science after reading about it on the Internet
(London)
A local man has overturned the work of thousands of scientists working for centuries based on information from an anonymous website.
Papa Legba, realized that modern science is all wrong.
"I was browsing the Web, watching some YouTube and stuff, and then this bloke suggested this site. So I checked it out, and now I know science is all wrong," said Legba.
Since Mr. Legba's discovery, scores of professors of physics, astronomy, and engineering were forced to resign. Flights across Europe have been cancelled as airline executives were suddenly realizing that the designers of their aircraft didn't know how they worked. At least six airlines, two helicopters, four private planes, and a dozen RAF fighters dropped out of the sky when the physics that they had relied upon no longer applied. "I tried to warn them," Mr. Legba said upon hearing the news.
Apparently, flights in other parts of the world have not been affected as their operators still accept conventional physics. While safety crews have been standing by in case of an emergency, many front-line firefighters express concern. "Every time I turn on my fire hose, the water squirts out, but it also pushes back on me. I really have to work to hold onto the hose. They always said that it was Newton's Third Law at work, but now this Legba says maybe not," said Jo Marianas, a firefighter at JFK Airport in New York. "Maybe the hose won't even work now that we know that the people who invented the whole thing don't know their science."
Reaction from Sweden has been strong. At least 39 Nobel Prizes in science may be revoked, and the entire Nobel committee may be replaced by astrologers and acupuncturists.
Back in London, Queen Elizabeth has been rumored to be considering revoking the knighthood of Sir Isaac Newton and instead knighting Legba. "Everyone who finds something really smart in a lost corner of the Internet should be knighted," said Prince Phillip. "Gosh, if I wasn't already a Prince, I'd spend all night in my parent's basement trying to find the truth the way Legba did."
Critics of these moves have only begun to speak out. Julie Simmons, in secondary school in Brighton, along with her little sister Chelsea, formed the Brighton Model Rocket Club last summer. "I don't know what the fuss is about. My rockets still fly," said Chelsea. Julie says that she has done several experiments in both chemistry and physics class that support her rocketeering. "It is fun to see all of science come together in a project. That [man] Legba should do some real science instead of just trying to read some [stuff] on the Internet," Julie said.
When asked if she would invite Mr. Legba to see one of her rockets in Brighton, she said, "No. Aside from not knowing anything other than some half-baked quackery, I hear he's a total prat."
Mr. Legba, upon hearing of Ms. Simmons' remarks, launched into a string of unprintable expletives.