Eureka! I have solved the problem.
It seems that it is a requirement in this life to accept some theory or hypothesis that has outlandish aspects. Gravity is admittedly outlandish. Even Copernicus, who made large strides toward formalizing gravity, proposes that hypotheses (such as gravitation) needn't be true. Scientists have made a variety of unflattering observations about gravitation, such as these, quoted in Karl A. Smith:

UA is similarly absurd. It makes God look like a total idiot. His creation can only work if it is endlessly sped upward, ever increasing in acceleration at 9.8 meters per second. The other gods must be fuming at the energy waste. But more to the point, it is absurd,
in se. Absurdity must be minimized, in my estimation. I don't even know how to calculate how much faster I must be going now, compared to when I was born a week ago, but the differences must be incredible. Accelerating 9.8 meters per second? Wow. No, I think absurdity must be minimized.
However the truth is that we really don't know why we stay put, and fall back to plane when our support fails (jumping etc.). So I have decided to invent a concept. I get full credit. I shall call it: Atmospheric Vigor. That's a nice spicy name that will provide entertainment value. The nature of Atmospheric Vigor is that it is an invisible but omnipresent influence, which permeates and influences all space, in proportion as the space has something in it. An isolated vacuum is no match for AV, which permeates that as well. AV is increased by materials that are obviously more dense. And the more of a material there is, the more strongly AV is able to operate. Where there is less atmosphere, AV is less of a force.
Atmospheric Vigor presses most strongly on the side where it is most located. It is designed that way, because God obviously intends to keep his creation together, not have it floating all over the place. I think AV makes sense, and feels like a true concept. I don't claim that we have, or even can have, a perfect understanding of AV, but we don't have a true or perfect understanding of gravity. And the scientists don't even expect to perfect their understanding of gravity, as you can see from
this Onion article about the god particle. Scientists are obviously not taking this problem seriously! So that leaves it up to us, the fifth-graders.
QEA! (Quod erat asserandum).