Jokes

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Wendy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #90 on: February 20, 2009, 03:08:28 AM »
Old blind pete was building a miracle, so he picked up a hammer and saw.
Here's an explanation for ya. Lurk moar. Every single point you brought up has been posted, reposted, debated and debunked. There is a search function on this forum, and it is very easy to use.

Re: Jokes
« Reply #91 on: February 20, 2009, 05:34:19 AM »
whats green and mows my lawn?
my nigger and i'll paint it any colour I want

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Raist

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #92 on: February 20, 2009, 05:36:34 AM »
What's green and red and goes 300 miles per hour?


Frog in a blender.

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Wendy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #93 on: February 20, 2009, 07:49:45 AM »
What's green and red and goes 300 miles per hour?


Frog in a blender.

Funny, the same could be said about one of my cars.
Here's an explanation for ya. Lurk moar. Every single point you brought up has been posted, reposted, debated and debunked. There is a search function on this forum, and it is very easy to use.

Re: Jokes
« Reply #94 on: February 20, 2009, 09:26:13 AM »
How many african children can fit into a bathtub?


I don't know, they keep slipping down the drain.
I hate myself for coming here

Re: Jokes
« Reply #95 on: February 20, 2009, 10:10:02 AM »
What do you cal two lesbians in a canoe?

Fur traders.

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one" - Albert Einstein

Re: Jokes
« Reply #96 on: February 21, 2009, 10:22:11 PM »
You can't outrun death forever
But you can sure make the old bastard work for it.

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Mykael

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #97 on: February 22, 2009, 12:59:06 AM »
well since its over the internet no i dont really care, i guess i could get mad and act tough and insult him back, but acting tough on the internet is pretty gay.

Please provide a source which indicates a correlation between homosexuality and a tendency to act tough when using the internet.
Robosteve



Re: Jokes
« Reply #98 on: February 22, 2009, 07:32:57 PM »
whats blue and flies around the room a baby with a punctured lung.

wahts the difference between a pile of bowling balls and a pile of dead babys? you can't shovle bowling balls with a pitch fork

why do you shovel dead babys with a pitch fork? to find out if any of them are still alive.

 
My lawn has holiday spirt

Re: Jokes
« Reply #99 on: February 24, 2009, 07:24:45 PM »
Why are physicist bad at sex


Because they either know were they are doing it, or how fast they are doing it but never both at the same time
« Last Edit: April 15, 2009, 12:36:02 PM by optimisticcynic »
You can't outrun death forever
But you can sure make the old bastard work for it.

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markjo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #100 on: February 24, 2009, 07:41:41 PM »
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
Quote from: Robosteve
Besides, perhaps FET is a conspiracy too.
Quote from: bullhorn
It is just the way it is, you understanding it doesn't concern me.

Re: Jokes
« Reply #101 on: February 24, 2009, 07:53:19 PM »
A psychologist makes an experiment with a mathematician and a physicist. He puts a good-looking, naked woman in a bed in one corner of the room and the mathematician on a chair in another one, and tells him: 'I?ll half the distance between you and the woman every five minutes, and you?re not allowed to stand up.' the mathematician runs away, yelling: 'in that case, I?ll never get to this woman!'. After that, the psychologist takes the physicist and tells him the plan. The physicist starts grinning. the psychologist asks him: 'but you?ll never get to this woman?', the physicists tells him: 'sure, but for all practical things this is a good approximation.'  (credit: Thomas Mayer)
You can't outrun death forever
But you can sure make the old bastard work for it.

Re: Jokes
« Reply #102 on: February 24, 2009, 08:04:06 PM »
A chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..."

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one" - Albert Einstein

Re: Jokes
« Reply #103 on: February 24, 2009, 08:22:04 PM »
 Four friends have been doing really well in their calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.

They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help."

The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."

When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing.

The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in integration, and all four finish it within ten minutes.

When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:

    Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?
You can't outrun death forever
But you can sure make the old bastard work for it.

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markjo

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #104 on: February 24, 2009, 08:29:03 PM »
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
Quote from: Robosteve
Besides, perhaps FET is a conspiracy too.
Quote from: bullhorn
It is just the way it is, you understanding it doesn't concern me.

Re: Jokes
« Reply #105 on: February 24, 2009, 08:46:24 PM »
The physicist and the engineer are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. They yell out for help: "Helllloooooo! Where are we?"
15 minutes later, they hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're in a hot-air balloon!!"
The physicist says, "That must have been a mathematician."
The engineer asks, "Why do you say that?"
The physicist replied: "The answer was absolutely correct, and it was utterly useless."

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one" - Albert Einstein

Re: Jokes
« Reply #106 on: February 24, 2009, 09:06:44 PM »
A mathematician is flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with AirTransat. The scheduled flying time is nine hours.
Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "Don't worry - we're safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine."
A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "But don't worry - we're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours."
Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off. But the pilot reassures the passengers: "Don't worry - even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt."
The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If the last engine breaks down, too, then we'll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!"
You can't outrun death forever
But you can sure make the old bastard work for it.

Re: Jokes
« Reply #107 on: February 25, 2009, 09:13:34 AM »

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Raist

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #108 on: February 25, 2009, 09:25:07 AM »
The funny thing is purity in no way implies usefulness. Sure the mathematician can find the antiderivitive of a curve, but the physicist uses it to find the momentum of a rocket, the sociologist uses it to find how many units of something will be sold if the price is slowly adjusted upwards.

Without application math is masturbation.

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toran

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #109 on: February 25, 2009, 09:39:42 AM »
A mathematician, an physicist and a sociologist are sitting in a train driving through Texas. Eventually they drive past two black sheep.
Seeing them the sociologist exclaims: 'Did you see that ? Looks like in Texas all sheep are black!' The physicist corrects him: 'No, we can just say that there are two black sheep in Texas.' The mathematician slowly shakes his head and says: 'Not quite. All we know is that in Texas at least 2 sheep are black from at least one side!'

Re: Jokes
« Reply #110 on: February 25, 2009, 11:53:12 AM »
A mathematician belives nothing until it is proven
A physicist believes everything until it is proven wrong
A chemist doesn't care
A biologist doesn't understand the question

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one" - Albert Einstein

Re: Jokes
« Reply #111 on: February 25, 2009, 04:16:49 PM »
Theorem: 3=4
Proof:

Suppose:
a + b = c

This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c

After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c

Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)

Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3
You can't outrun death forever
But you can sure make the old bastard work for it.

*

Raist

  • The Elder Ones
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  • The cat in the Matrix
Re: Jokes
« Reply #112 on: February 26, 2009, 07:24:53 PM »
you multiplied by zero silly.

Re: Jokes
« Reply #113 on: February 26, 2009, 07:51:57 PM »
you multiplied by zero silly.
wondering if anyone would catch that.
You can't outrun death forever
But you can sure make the old bastard work for it.

Re: Jokes
« Reply #114 on: February 26, 2009, 08:26:54 PM »
A Priest, Rabbi and a Mathematician were waiting patiently on stage to be decapitated.

The priest put his head in the slot and the executioner pulled the lever; the guillotine blade came speeding down the track and stopped just a few inches above the priest neck. The priest proclaimed that God had intervened and saved him from execution; the executioner had to agree and let him go.

The mathematician had a disbelieving, puzzled, look on his face.

Next the Rabbi put his head in the slot, the executioner pulled the lever and the blade came speeding down the track and stopped a few inches above the Rabbi's neck. The executioner agreed that God had intervened again and saved the Rabbi also.

The Mathematician, more troubled than ever, put his head in the slot and turned to look upward and he noticed something that made him smile.

Before the executioner could pull the lever, the mathematician said "Hold on there a minute, I see what the problem is! The track has a small pebble blocking the path of the blade". He removed the pebble and announced, "There, it should work just fine now!
You can't outrun death forever
But you can sure make the old bastard work for it.

Re: Jokes
« Reply #115 on: February 26, 2009, 08:43:47 PM »
Top ten excuses for not doing homework:

I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.

Isaac Newton's birthday.

I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.

I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.

I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.

I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.

I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.

I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.

I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee.

I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.

I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one" - Albert Einstein

Re: Jokes
« Reply #116 on: February 27, 2009, 08:35:42 AM »
If a ham sandwich is better than nothing and Nothing is better than Life, itself, does that mean that a ham sandwich is better than Life itself?
You can't outrun death forever
But you can sure make the old bastard work for it.

?

toran

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #117 on: February 27, 2009, 09:13:37 AM »
What is the difference between American beer and having sexual intercourse in a canoe ?

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ﮎingulaЯiτy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #118 on: February 27, 2009, 09:55:43 AM »
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
If I was asked to imagine a perfect deity, I would never invent one that suffers from a multiple personality disorder. Christians get points for originality there.

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Wendy

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  • I laugh cus you fake
Re: Jokes
« Reply #119 on: February 27, 2009, 10:28:57 AM »
And God changes the rules, and within five minutes, forty lawyers appear in heaven so save the day?

(u kno cos of criminals tendency to shiv ppl det dont like?)
Here's an explanation for ya. Lurk moar. Every single point you brought up has been posted, reposted, debated and debunked. There is a search function on this forum, and it is very easy to use.