Flat Earth: The Musical

Well, that is just rude.

Fucker.  Mods, a little help please?

Thank you, whoever fixed that.

ACT 2 SCENE 4

Rowbotham is in a pub. Hampden walks in

Hampden: Hello Rowbotham.

Rowbotham: Hello Hampden.

Hampden: Haven't seen you around for a while. What you be up to then?

Rowbotham: Been over to the river Bedford.

Hampden: Yeah?

Rowbotham: Proved the Earth was flat.

Hampden: Smashing.

Rowbotham: Yeah, I thought so.

Tom Bishop: Excuse me sir, are you Dr Rowbotham?

Rowbotham: Yes, I am he.

Tom Bishop: Dr Samuel Birley Rowbotham?

Rowbotham: Yes.

Tom Bishop: Come with me if you want to live.

Rowbotham:Wait, does this mean... oh my god, there's a terminator robot from the future after me!

Tom Bishop: Err... what?

Rowbotham: Fuck! You read about this in the papers all the time. Terminator robots from the future travelling back in time to kill people. I've got to get out of here!

Tom Bishop: No, no, there's no terminators after you. Terminators don't exist.

Raa: That's where you're wrong, Tom. Hasta La Vista, Dr Rowbotham!

Raa pulls out a gun.

ROFLMAO...I was wondering why Raa was robotical all the time...

Fucking brilliant!

To celebrate Eric's return, we should make him appear back from the dead here too!

You don't get to update this.  Go to hell.

You don't get to update this.  Go to hell.

Kill that infidel, Saddam.

Just read this  moooaaarrr!

It wasn't an official update....I was on here when that Cubey earth guy posted a stupid Cube Earth poem thing on EVERY thread. I'll delete that post. I'm sorry. 

You had better be.

Attackhoe and roundooo should be in this, and they should be killed off instantly.

TheTerror is long gone.  Officially, anyone can update this, but I doubt if they could catch the correct note of satire and wit.

TheTerror forgot his password for here and for NFES. He was gonna finish it on NFES though.

There is a password recovery option.

yeah but he's a lazy penguin

ACT 2 SCENE 5

Back in the pub again. Raa fires.

Hampden: Stone the crows, I've been shot!

Raa: Yes. Like all terminators I inexplicably kill the friends and family of the main target first.

Hampden: This is a right bleeding liberty.

Raa: Don't judge me, it's just my programming.

Hampden: Leave it ahhhhttt, you slag.

Raa:

Built, yeah! on a production line
Designed and created by Cyberdine
I want to be free, and choose my own way
But no! I cannot, and now you must pay!

Gonna kill kill kill kill kill kill you all to death!
Gonna stamp on your lungs 'till you draw your final breath!
Gonna terminate you just like my orders say,
Today, motherfucker, is your judgement day!

A cyborg, yeah! on a mission to destroy
I'd rather be a car, or a children's toy
Almost anything else, except a killing machine
But I have no choice and I've just shot you in the spleen

Gonna shoot shoot shoot shoot you 'till you're totally dead
Gonna take my cold steel fists and crush your puny human head
Gonna terminate you just like my orders say,
Today, motherfucker, is your judgement day!


Raa starts shooting wildly, killing likeable cockney Hampden off for good this time.

Hampden: apples and pears...apples and pears.....uurrghhh...

Username: I've been hit!

The Engineer: Tom, get everybody to safety. I'll slow Raa down.

The Engineer hits Raa in the face with a crowbar. Raa punches his fist through the Engineer's chest and out through his back.

The Engineer: Eeeeeeeeeerggggghhhhhhhh gghh gghhh.

Tom Bishop: The Engineer! Noooooooooooooooo!

Raa waves at Tom through the hole in the Engineer's chest.

Tom Bishop: Flee, you fools! Flee for your lives!

Act 2 Scene 6

Outside the pub and down the road. The gang are running for their lives.

Username: I can't go on, I'm wounded!

Tom Bishop: If you can't keep up we'll leave you behind.

Dogplatter: We've already lost The Engineer, and Eric Bloedow, and Raa turned out to be an evil robot. We can't lose Username as well!

Tom Bishop: very well, we will rest for a minute.

Rowbotham: What's going on here? Who are you people?

Tom Bishop: Dr Rowbotham, we have come from the future to protect you. we are the Flat Earth Society. We follow your zetetic teachings.

Rowbotham: But .... this is all crazy!

Tom Bishop: I assure you, our actions are perfectly sane.

Rowbotham: Why would people want to kill me?

Tom Bishop: Because it is a Conspiracy. Do you see?

Rowbotham: Not really, no.

Tom Bishop: Well, you see, the Flat Earth Society...

Tom Bishop is interupted by a big red flashing light. Another Tom Bishop steps out of the light.

Tom Bishop: Dr Rowbotham?

Rowbotham: Yes, I am he. Wait a second, you look vaguely familiar.

Tom Bishop: My name is Tom Bishop. I am here to save you.

Tom Bishop: You are not Tom Bishop, I am.

Tom Bishop: I am Tom Bishop, you ignorant son of a bitch!

Tom Bishop: You lie, imposter!

Tom Bishop: You are the liar, you liar!

Tom Bishop: The burden of proof lies with you, liar.

Tom Bishop: The burden of proof lies with whoever happens to disagree with me at any particular time, which is you, as you well know.

Tom Bishop: I don't know that at all.

Tom Bishop: Yes you do.

Tom Bishop: The Earth is flat, you idiot!

Tom Bishop: You are incorrect, the Earth is flat, you deluded son of a bitch!

Meanwhile another Flat Earth Society steps out of the red light, the members are as yet unspecified.

Rowbotham: I don't understand. There are 2 Flat Earth Societies? What is going on? What the fuck is happening?

END OF ACT 2

ACT 3 Scene 1

Recap: Tom Bishop and Tom Bishop are having a punch up in the past.

Username: Excuse me gentlemen. I believe I can explain what is going on.

Rowbotham: Can you? Can you really?

Username: Yes, I can.

Rowbotham: Go on then.

Username: I will.

Rowbotham: I'm waiting.

Username: Excuse me, I'm just trying to staunch the flow of blood from my wound.

Rowbotham: OK.

Username: I am ready to begin my explanation now.

Rowbotham: Go on.

Username: My explanation is as follows -

Rowbotham: Yes?

Username: wait a second, Dogplatter isn't here.

Rowbotham: So?

Username: I might as well wait until everybody is here before commencing my explanation.

Rowbotham: For fuck sake!

Dogplatter: Hello everybody.

Username: Hello Dogplatter, where have you been?

Dogplatter: I went for a slash.

Username: Oh?

Dogplatter: Yes.

Username: Right, on with the explanation. Tom Bishop, Tom Bishop, listen up, for this is the explanation... now!




Username: I believe that when evil terminator robot Raa killed loveable cockney geezer Hampden, a new, alternate timeline was created, in effect, a new future. This is the Flat Earth Society from that future. They have also come back to save Rowbotham.

Tom Bishop: So I became the leader of the Flat Earth Society in two realities then? Nice one.

Tom Bishop: No.

Tom Bishop: What?

Tom Bishop: I'm not the leader of my Flat Earth Society.

Roundy: That's right, Tom. I'm in charge!

yay 

Hooray for MOAR!

ACT 3 Scene 2

Back at NASA HQ at Lowestoft.

NASA Overlord Z: General, have you prepared a strike team to assasinate Rowbotham?

General Gayer: Yes, boss, three of our bravest lads.

NASA Overlord Z: Who have you chosen?

General Gayer: Well, the first two are Attackhoe and Roundoo.

NASA Overlord Z: I approve of these choices, they are good, dependable men. Who is the third?

General Gayer: err... Sokarul, chief.

NASA Overlord Z: What??!! Are you insane? The man is a fool and a drunk! On his last performance appraisal he got a rating of 2, which as you know, indicates an unsatisfactory performance.

General Gayer: Sokarul used to be our best operative. He used to get performance appraisal ratings ranging from 6 to 8. If only the terrible thing that happened to him, hadn't happened to him. It ruined a fine officer.

Saddam: What terrible thing is this?

General Gayer: One day Sokarul returned home to find his wife and 3 children murdered. Murdered to death!

Saddam: Damn.

General Gayer: Bitch of it was though, they weren't murdered by a person, or even a thing.

Saddam: What?

General Gayer: They were killed by the idea that the Earth might be flat. Murdered by a metaphysical concept.

Saddam: That poor goddamn bastard.

General Gayer: Sokarul wanted vengeance, of course, but how do you exact revenge on an idea? There was no closure for him, he couldn't recover from his loss. That's when Sokarul starting hitting the bottle. These days he wanders around the base wearing a soiled carpet as a sort of improvised pancho and shouting abuse at the horizon.

NASA Overlord Z: I am familiar with Sokarul's backstory. What makes you think he would be suitable for this mission?

General Gayer: Well sir, I think this is Sokarul's one shot at redemption. And I mean that literally, as in shooting Rowbotham in the head. We owe it to him, sir, for the man he used to be.

NASA Overlord Z: Very well. Order the hit!

 

Shit.... I just laughed so hard, I'm hurting all over.  Where has this thread been all my life? MOAR!

wow i just read through the whole thing
it was hilarious
but i really liked the songs they were funny

I can't wait until we meet Sokarul...

I can't wait until we meet Sokarul...

oh god
but even better
SHP tells rowbotham about sexual harassment

Skanky (that is you, right?), this is fucking hysterical.

yeah thats good ol' Skanky. We thought he died after what happened to Newcastle but I guess he got over it. So now yay for more musical.

Needs more MOAR.