My Ukrainian Doppelganger. (less interesting than it sounds.)

The year is 2022, sometime around December.  I'm driving to Vegas to visit my dad during his last days.  I do this about once a month.  My car at this time is an early model Tesla Model S since supporting Tesla is the best way to fight the woke mind virus.

This time there's a freak snow storm.  I smack into the concrete barrier which totals my car.

Insurance claim, new car, yada yada.  I get a new car, a somewhat newer Tesla Model S.(I really do like the car, I know how to fix it, also fight the woke mind virus).

Everything as it should be.  And a year goes by.  I start getting notifications through my phone app about my old car.  My old car's sunroof is open.  Also my old car is in Vinnytsia Oblast in Ukraine.

I look at the address.  It seems to be a repair shop.  Not an uncommon thing to happen.  A lot of totaled cars are sent to Ukraine since the lower labor cost and lower standards makes fixing totaled cars feasible.

The car goes silent for about a year.  Then it appears in normal operation.  I guess they fixed it.  It is driving to and from places which I have to feed into google translator to figure out what they are.

Foolishly I did not reset the stereo before I left it.  Spotify is still active and the new owner figures this out.  I try to log spotify out of everything.  This functionality appears to be broken.

So now every morning on my way to work I see the last thing that played on spotify still playing for me, usually this is some kind of Ukrainian pop music making multiple references to Putin.  I assume these references are unkind.

So that's my life now.  Learn to appreciate Ukrainian war propaganda punk rock.  Or find my doppelganger in Ukraine and get him to register my old car correctly.  I still have control of this car through the app so I'm considering low level terrorism like opening his windows at the grocery stores or honking his horn in the middle of the night.

I would probably advise against pissing this person off, on the off chance he sends his brothers cousin to shatter your kneecaps after you sounding his horn during a deal for coke and Kalashnikovs sent everything south and his mate Sergie at the hacking farm traced you.

Why not cancel the Spotify and re-sign in a month or so?

I've considered that.  But I don't think it would work.  It wouldn't kick off anyone already logged in.  I think it just reverts to an ad supported version.

I think the only option is doing a tour of duty as a combat medic and if I survive then on the way out finding this guy and explaining to him that Spotify isn't just some perk from owning a Tesla.

Yes, that's my best plan so far.  Put my life at extreme risk to not hear music I don't like in the morning.

Or, and you may have to become a catholic for a while to gain absolution for this but sell your log on details to a Russian embassy official and tell them he’s a high ranking Ukrainian officer, and they will drone strike him, so one day you turn on your music in the morning and you are back to Taylor Swift.
The pangs of guilt you can assuage by donating to any appeal for Ukraine that pops up, but if you ever find yourself downloading Ukrainian anger pop, you must drive your new Tesla into the same concrete barrier (after wiping all data) to help the war effort.

I was expecting a drug induced dream post, but this is even better.

Or, and you may have to become a catholic for a while to gain absolution for this but sell your log on details to a Russian embassy official and tell them he’s a high ranking Ukrainian officer, and they will drone strike him, so one day you turn on your music in the morning and you are back to Taylor Swift.
The pangs of guilt you can assuage by donating to any appeal for Ukraine that pops up, but if you ever find yourself downloading Ukrainian anger pop, you must drive your new Tesla into the same concrete barrier (after wiping all data) to help the war effort.

I feel this level of crazy is best left to Florida men and women.

It does make me think though, maybe I can ask Jewish Space Laser to investigate this.  It's a longshot but seeing her argue against aid for Ukraine because their government is systematically trying to steal our nation's Spotify accounts through a scheme of buying broken Teslas would make this all worthwhile.

You should record a song on spotify and load it into his play list.

"Hi sir.   Im from america.   You have my old car and my spotify account.   Take care.   Hope this music bringa you joy while you fight the putin."

I was expecting a drug induced dream post, but this is even better.

Well, yeah I was on drugs when I wrote it but that was coincidental.  It is a real trauma I'm going through much like the Israelis, the Palestinians and the Ukrainians.  I'll leave it to the historians to decide who has suffered worse.

I would probably advise against pissing this person off, on the off chance he sends his brothers cousin to shatter your kneecaps after you sounding his horn during a deal for coke and Kalashnikovs sent everything south and his mate Sergie at the hacking farm traced you.

There are undoubtedly some scary dudes in Ukraine I can almost guarantee they won't be driving an electric car.  Everyone would think he was gay or something.

This does highlight a fundamental problem we all should worry about.
Prompted by this story where a drug addled American (Crouts) can influence a car halfway around the world, The chair of the Senate Banking Committee, Senator Sherrod Brown, wrote "Chinese electric vehicles are an existential threat to the American auto industry and its people. If a barely functioning US citizen can lower the windows of a car in Ukraine, then in a time of conflict what carnage could China wreak should we allow them to flood our highways with cheap death machines?".

If the prospect of thousands of weirdly named cars suddenly exploding or running your children off a cliff isn’t bad enough, then consider the joint cooperation ventures they have signed with General Motors, Volkswagen, BMW, Dodge, Jeep, Maserati and Peugeot to name a few, and they outright own Volvo, MG & Lotus.

You may be feeling all smug standing beside the burning corpse of a Nio EP9 you shot to pieces on the forecourt of a dealer, when your Model Y Tesla under the thrall of its BYD Blade battery and now controlled by teen called Mùchén in a Shanghai mega facility for the subjugation of capitalist running dogs, suddenly rams you repeatedly into a wall.
Just sayin.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cyerg64dn97o

Minor update.

I thought maybe I was doing something wrong so I decided to do a little more research into kicking off devices from my spotify account and I cam across this;  https://community.spotify.com/t5/Other-Podcasts-Partners-etc/Unable-to-sign-out-of-Tesla/td-p/5067351

Basically this is a known problem that Spotify has had since 2020 and they have no intentions of acknowledging let alone fixing it.

So because of these circumstances and NATO encroachment and my legitimate security concerns and also the Grand Dutchy of Lithuania in the 1300s, I must declare a special military operation against Ukraine.  Well not the entire country, just this one guy.

My arsenal is the Tesla app through which I can;
Open the sunroof
Open and close the rear hatch
Open the frunk
Honk the horn
Flash the lights
Open the garage door
Stop the charger
Unlock the charge port
Control the AC

Regrettably most of these are disable when the car is in motion, AC control is the exception to this.

The first thing I attempted was lowering the AC to the point where it would freeze whoever is in the car.  The lowest temperature I can set is 59 f.  It is unclear if this is low enough to freeze a human solid or induce suspended animation.  More experimentation is needed.

I really wish the horn was something I can remotely trigger when the car is moving.

Mostly I'm going to keep opening doors and honking the horn until he gets frustrated and does a hard reset on the car which should also remove spotify access and mostly likely shatter NATO and the West.

Excellent plan!

Aren't Tesla's festooned with cameras to the extent that employees used to post clips of drivers running down cats and kids and fucking on the bonnet (hood)?
If so hacking your own cameras shouldn't be too hard, you could at least moneterise it by offering remote safari footage in a war zone.

Unfortunately it was an early model without some of those bells and whistles.

It does track everywhere he drives so if I bothered copying addresses into Google translate I could find his exact address and place of work.

He lives in one of the western oblasts which haven't been as directly affected. Maybe a cruise missile every now and then.

Record a 'song' on spotify

Send him a msg