Joke Thread :D

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Offline Rick_James

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Joke Thread :D
« on: August 13, 2006, 11:30:38 PM »
Post your funny jokes here. I'd imagine the same restrictions apply in terms of inappropriate/offensive jokes... COMMON SENSE PEOPLE!
Alternatively, link to a joke that can't be posted here ;)


I'll kick us off with one I got in the email today:

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big pair of hedge clippers, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

Joke Thread :D
« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2006, 11:56:28 PM »
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Hey buddy! Why the long face?”   :mrgreen:
 belive this site to be a hoax. But belief is irrelevant in science so the debate goes on.

Joke Thread :D
« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2006, 08:41:34 AM »
I got this great knock knock joke, but one of you guys has to start it...
quot;Pleasure for man, is not a luxury, but a profound psychological need."
-Nathaniel Branden

Joke Thread :D
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2006, 09:29:11 AM »
Errr...
knock knock?

(it has just occured to me that the word "knock" has got to be one of the most odd-looking words...I could've sworn I was misspelling it)

Joke Thread :D
« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2006, 09:47:46 AM »
who's there?
quot;Pleasure for man, is not a luxury, but a profound psychological need."
-Nathaniel Branden

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Offline TheEngineer

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« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2006, 09:53:57 AM »
Uh, aren't you doing this backwards?


"I haven't been wrong since 1961, when I thought I made a mistake."
        -- Bob Hudson

Joke Thread :D
« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2006, 10:06:49 AM »
Yes...this is truly confusing...

I have no idea who's there.

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Offline Northrider5

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« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2006, 12:37:53 PM »
Maybe that's the joke.
Courtesy of your friendly neighbourhood Muslim.

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Offline TheEngineer

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« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2006, 01:42:34 PM »
It sure is a bad one.


"I haven't been wrong since 1961, when I thought I made a mistake."
        -- Bob Hudson

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Offline Northrider5

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« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2006, 03:40:47 PM »
Tellin' me....
Courtesy of your friendly neighbourhood Muslim.

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Offline quixotic

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« Reply #10 on: August 14, 2006, 04:20:52 PM »
What did the Lepa say to the prostitute??

Like...O M G ! ! ! He is, like, totally using the gun as like some kind of sexual weapon. O M G ! ! That is like, totally awesome! ! !

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Offline Northrider5

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« Reply #11 on: August 14, 2006, 04:22:00 PM »
Uh..... what?
Courtesy of your friendly neighbourhood Muslim.

Joke Thread :D
« Reply #12 on: August 14, 2006, 05:01:47 PM »
You guys didn't like my joke.  : (

Oh well, have some Robin Williams:

http://www.break.com/index/robin_williams_on_golf.html
quot;Pleasure for man, is not a luxury, but a profound psychological need."
-Nathaniel Branden

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Offline quixotic

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« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2006, 07:25:00 PM »
"Keep the Tip"


bwahahahahahhahahaha

Like...O M G ! ! ! He is, like, totally using the gun as like some kind of sexual weapon. O M G ! ! That is like, totally awesome! ! !

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Offline quixotic

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« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2006, 07:25:35 PM »
What do elephants use as vibrators??

Like...O M G ! ! ! He is, like, totally using the gun as like some kind of sexual weapon. O M G ! ! That is like, totally awesome! ! !

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Offline Rick_James

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« Reply #15 on: August 14, 2006, 07:28:46 PM »
Seen this one around heaps - probably isnt true, but it's funny to pretend :D

It's supposedly A letter from (insert local supermarket chain here) to a lady about the trouble her husband has been causing in their stores.

I've seen it in various forms, sometimes done up with a letterhead, but the content is always pretty much the same.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally President and CEO
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
>>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
MEMO
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

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Offline quixotic

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« Reply #16 on: August 14, 2006, 08:05:24 PM »
Epileptics!!!!


bwhahahahah

Like...O M G ! ! ! He is, like, totally using the gun as like some kind of sexual weapon. O M G ! ! That is like, totally awesome! ! !

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Offline quixotic

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« Reply #17 on: August 15, 2006, 04:49:31 PM »
BUMP!!

Like...O M G ! ! ! He is, like, totally using the gun as like some kind of sexual weapon. O M G ! ! That is like, totally awesome! ! !

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Offline Althalus

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« Reply #18 on: August 16, 2006, 11:00:54 AM »
My dishwasher hasn't been working ever since I beat it, why did I ever marry her?

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« Reply #19 on: August 17, 2006, 04:09:56 PM »
A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking.  Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.  During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.  "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine.  I got it for my wife.  "The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
he man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.

Advocatus Diaboli

Joke Thread :D
« Reply #20 on: August 17, 2006, 07:58:52 PM »
quot;Pleasure for man, is not a luxury, but a profound psychological need."
-Nathaniel Branden

Joke Thread :D
« Reply #21 on: August 17, 2006, 08:31:05 PM »
A boy and his dad are driving in a car, along with the boy's pet duck. Their car breaks down, and the father sends the boy into town to see if he can get help, in exchange for the duck.
The boy walks to town with the duck and knocks at the first house he sees. A prostitute opens the door.
"Excuse me, but my dad's car broke down. What will you give me for this duck?"
The prostitute takes a look at the duck, and then says, "I'll have sex with you."
The boy agrees. When they finish, the prostitute says, "You were so good, if you have sex with me again I'll give you the duck back."
The boy agrees again. Afterwards, he walks back to the car to tell his dad the good news. As he's crossing the street, a truck comes out of nowhere. The boy jumps out of the way, but the duck is killed. The truck driver climbs out.
"Gee, I'm sorry kid. Tell ya what, I'll give ya $25 for killing your duck." The boy takes the money and heads back to the car.
"So what'd you get, son?" The father asks when the boy climbs back in the car.
"Great!" The son replies. "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and twenty-five bucks for a fucked-up duck!"
the cake is a lie

Joke Thread :D
« Reply #22 on: August 18, 2006, 06:02:18 PM »
An Irishman walked out of a bar. : )
he world seems round when I wear my old glasses.

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« Reply #23 on: August 18, 2006, 06:03:52 PM »
Quote from: "CrimsonKing"
A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking.  Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.  During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.  "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine.  I got it for my wife.  "The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."


Hahahaha, yeah, I've heard that before, except with a Canadian and beer.
he world seems round when I wear my old glasses.

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Offline cadmium_blimp

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« Reply #24 on: August 19, 2006, 09:58:59 PM »
Three guys walk into a bar.  The fourth one ducked.

Quote from: Commander Taggart
Never give up, never surrender!